Okay so apparently I am the worst step mom on the face of the planet. I have been blamed for just about everything today. I got told that I MADE my sick mother in law get out of the house to get her granddaughter and take her to church. Well I don't have the power to make her do anything. Also on top of that my camera is missing, my kids aren't listening and I have heard nothing but b***ing and complaining all day. Can I wake up and try this day over.

Also we are supposed to get a big snow storm. I think this is going to be interesting. I went to the store to get milk and bread, eggs and other necessities and I am truly surprised they hadn't run out yet. That is the case in this small town every store is out of everything before and snow storm.

Well I suppose I should work on calming down. I did get some house work done today and yesterday still gotta work on it. I need to get off here and do it. Talk to you all tomorrow.

In between the youngest screaming her head off the night before for 3 hours and the death of my 4 year old's fish yesterday it has been a hard day. My 4 year old is devastated. I feel so bad but she is the one that wouldn't leave them alone..Anyways there is a lot that has happened yesterday but one of the good things was that I got to go get groceries since we needed them so bad. I keep sitting back thinking I am hungry but I keep realizing we have nothing to eat lol. I am in good spirits today I suppose it can be all bad right.
I have been keeping busy the last couple days with cleaning and playing with he kids. I also have had good conversations with my husband and my friends. I guess yesterday and today could be chalked up as over all good. My 16 year old has cracked me up with her theory that dead fish swim. I flushed them down the toilet which I have always done I have never thought any different. Well my daughter wouldn't go to the bathroom because the DEAD fish would swim up and bite her when she is going to the bathroom. It was funny and kind of sad.
I am thinking about maybe getting something to eat since I haven't ate since yesterday at lunch. Talk to you all tomorrow...

It was a fairly good day I finally got outta my "spell" and had a good day. My husband told me that we should have a new reward system for the youngest. I thought this was a great idea so I started off on having the kids make a craft when the 4 year old got home from preschool. They decorated a piece of paper for the outside of their bank. I explained the rules of getting money for their banks and that they could use it to get what they want. Hey if it works I am all for it.

I went to started my school term yesterday and went to class. The class that I have to take is not the one that I wanted to take but the school just says I need credits so I can graduate. I guess I can deal with this class I did learn something new so it wasn't all bad. I guess yesterday was no different than any other day. I had a good conversation with my husband and that helped tremendously. I think that I am going to write these in the morning that way I can include the night before today as well.

I am so thankful for this journal so I can write down my thoughts. If you read this or would like to comment please feel free however they will go through me first before I allow them to be posted. I will look forward to a good day today. Talk to you all tomorrow....

Have a great day!!! Angel

.This seems odd but the idea struck me yesterday during a particularly difficult "spell" as I call them. My idea came when my husband, bless his heart, asked me why I would think about suicide because its so stupid. I thought for a minute and began to explain to him why I think about suicide and why sometimes when I am depressed it becomes all I can think about. I started stating that when I become depressed I begin to try to come up with a personal note that this is just a "spell" and I will snap out of it. However I don't I just keep spiraling down and begin to forget about the "light at the end of the tunnel," so I become obsessed with the idea of suicide because that seems to be the only solution, even though I know it is a stupid thing to do,because your mind has warped and this seems the only logical solution.

My husband understood for the first time what it is like to live in my brain even if just for a moment, and there was a peace that came over him. "Light bulb" as Gru would say, Despicable Me for those of your wondering, I want to know what other people who are as aware of their disorder as I am to tell their stories and share what they struggle through. With this information I wanted to write a book kind of a dummies guide to family and friends of those that suffer from clinical depression and bi-polar disorder.

So I decided to write a blog and allow the chance for each one of you to have one as well. Talk about your daily struggles, triumphs, fears, dreams and ideas so that we may make this book the best guide for those people who have family members and friends suffering with this disorder. Remember I am in the same boat as all of you and I have struggled with this for 15 years, and I will continue for the rest of my life.